


Trapped

by evs14u



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-03
Updated: 2018-02-03
Packaged: 2019-03-13 07:17:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13565565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evs14u/pseuds/evs14u
Summary: Barba and Caroline trying to put their lives back together after Caroline escaped a madman.





	1. Chapter 1

You had never told anyone you were together, it had never occurred to you to. Yes you were together, but it had only been six months. You weren’t ready yet to tell everyone everything. Your fellow detectives were nosey; it was just in their nature. Even if we had shown a hint of anything, they would have smelled it, and they would have swarmed like hungry sharks. I understood why, SVU by nature wasn’t a happy place. It was a place with purpose, yet the bad days usually outnumbered the good, even if we caught the guy and put him in jail, a person would still be broken past repair. Even if we reunited families, something had always separated them. 

We helped, and then turned them into case numbers. We assigned them nicknames after we closed them but before we got a conviction. Yes it was crude but it saved us just a bit from the actual horror. Some cases we did not name, usually they were personal ones, Nick’s father, Amanda’s rape, William Lewis, Sonny’s brother in law, Fin’s son’s beating.

They were too painful.  We just left them silent; they stayed in the corners of the office. I never thought I would be one of those cases. I never thought I would have a too painful. Yet after what had happened I should have seen it coming. After what had been a long week and a bad case, 3 young women had been kidnapped and tortured. The worst part was the perp had stalked these women and found out what they feared most, using that against them in their torture. At the end of the week we were so close to catching him. So we put out bait, and since we didn’t want to re-traumatize any of the victims, and I fit his profile petite brown haired so I put myself up for it. Rafael had been against it initially, but I told him that his apprehensive was about our personal relationship rather than actual issues, and he let me play on his ego. He wanted to catch this guy as much as we did, so he let me go.

It had gone further than any of us had intended. He had seen through our plan immediately but played along, he knew this was going to be his last shot to ‘brand a woman’, as he called it, and he wanted to make sure that this was worth the needle. Though New York didn’t have the death penalty he had crossed state lines in his rampage and so it had turned into a federal case.

Rafael through some sort of sleight of hand had gotten the feds to let us lead the investigation. So there I was and he was ready. It had seemed like a normal basement at the beginning, yet what no one had known was there was a secret tunnel under the city leading to an nuclear bunker, which he had retro fitted for his purposes. He called it the canvas for his magnum opus.

So when he cut the power to the district knocking out all communications between NYPD, SWAT, and the Feds and pulled me into his tunnel, there and been no chance of rescue. For extra measure when we had arrived at his ‘canvas’ he used small charges to collapse the tunnel behind us. He had planned this long in advance, he had food, water, and air shafts all planned out. In the end it took them three days to find me. He knew that physical torture wouldn’t do much but because he had stalked me ever since the case began, he knew everything. He knew about my less than stellar childhood, the exclusion, the seclusion, and the all around coldness of the New York aristocracy.

He knew about where I had been on September 11th, and he knew about Rafael. I wasn’t sure how he knew about all of this. If rich people are anything they were after their own preservation, so finding even a shred of abuse, was almost impossible, but get the right old lady drunk and she would tell you all of the dirty secrets of the Upper East Side. September 11th would have been easy enough; there was a log of every beat cop that worked the twin towers that day. The only thing I could not figure out how he had found about Rafael.

We had been so careful, nothing out of the ordinary, yes there were the long nights and dinners, and yeah we shared a bed most nights, but we had been so careful. His master stroke came in two: first he had bugged what seemed like every facet of my life, every conversation I had had in the last six months had been recorded, and the other a cell phone, nothing out of the ordinary, but that was the point. It was a burner, no trace so that when he opened a line with the NYPD they couldn’t trace it. He had a megaphone to broadcast everything he did to me.

Rafael had never given thought to his worst nightmare; he thought the worst was behind him. Caroline was the light of his life; he never thought that anything could hurt her. He shouldn’t have green lit the operation. He had let his ego and his ambition overtake him, and now she was trapped. That maniac had her. He knew that he wouldn’t harm a hair on her head.

There were worse ways to torture someone, and this asshole had them all. He knew everything about Caro; he knew things Rafael didn’t even know. He had never thought that her childhood could have been that bad, or that she was at ground zero. This man had every conversation that she had had in the last month. When he had gotten the call, he thought it was just another telemarketer, but something in his stomach told him that it wasn’t.

“Hello”

“Ahh ADA Barba, I have your girl here.”

“Caro, what is going on?”

“Come on tell him Cariño.” How did he know about the nickname?

“I am fine, everything is intact, and I am thinking this is a 10x12 room, steel reinforced…” Her voice was smothered.   _His_  next words let Rafael’s spine freeze.

“I like it here just the two of us.“


	2. Chapter 2

The next hours were horrible, every little secret was revealed, every little lie I had ever told anyone I cared about, and they were all on the other line. After what seemed like hours of silence, I heard Rafael say in a low voice, “Let her go.”

“Why would I do that…”

“Because I will…”

“What use your powers of… come on Mr. Barba I won, you took what I love and I am taking something you love, and you know me I like playing with my food.”

“Let her go.”

“Now now Rafael, you don’t want me to have her hurt her do you?” 

“Don’t you touch her!” I could hear the crackle of police chatter over the phone.

“Oh I won’t touch her that would be too easy, but we are going to take a walk down memory lane doesn’t that sound fun? For example, the FBI offered her a spot in their Behavioral Unit, and it got as far as a deal memo.”

Shit, how did he know, they had called me but at work. Had he hacked the NYPD phones? How did he hear that Agent Hoshito had offered me the job, how did he know how far it had gotten.This wasn’t going to end well.

“They offered you your dream job when you told me you loved me? It was gonna take you to DC and it got as far as the deal memo? You never had any intention of marrying me, someday. I mean, you never even mentioned it. You were just gonna go to DC and leave a note? You were deceiving me.”

I could hear the pain in his voice. Yes I had lied, but to protect him. He would have wanted me to go, and I wasn’t sure. I still wasn’t sure. Hoshito was still waiting for an answer, though after tonight I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to ever return to work.

“Look I am sorry I just…”

“Caro you lied to the man, I would give him a bit more than just sorry. Now let’s get to some more fun what do you think Caroline, Open that pretty little mouth of yours.”

I heard Rafael scream no, he must be imagining the worst.

“Come on papi, what did you think I was going to do”

How the hell did he know about that, there had been no possible ways to record that, it was from our most intimate moments.

“I won’t force myself on a woman who can’t resist, all I want to do is give you a drink.”

I started to drink from the water bottle, but it wasn’t water, it was vodka, but it tasted funny. I felt by vision blur. I started to sputter, trying as hard as I could to get what I could out of my system.

“Oh come on Carino, join the party be part of the fun.”

I screamed again, I knew it was useless, but I had to do something. He got very close to my ear, and whispered, loud enough for Rafael to hear. 

“You scream again and I will shove my gun down your throat, hard. Now give me that million dollar smile. Good girl, now Suck it down. Suck it down. Yeah, that’s it. Swallow.”

I could feel Barba’s silent rage through the phone, I know he was frantically trying to trace the call. I know by now all of SVU was listening. I decided it was time for the offensive.

“You probably don’t even need sleep once you are in your element.”

“Oh Carino don’t play me.” He gave me one of his degraded smiles, smiles that proved to me, he was ready to do anything that brought him pleasure.   
“Why would I? You know I have spent years at SVU and I have never seen something like you. You are a true specimen. The perfect man, those girls were lucky to have you.”

I could see SVU’s reaction and Barba’s face: the disappointment, the anger, the loss of love. 

“They needed you in their lives. You needed to teach them a lesson. Even Katie, you know she should be thankful that she is pregnant.”

I didn’t want to do this anymore, but I had to. I needed to survive, I needed to see him again.

Rafael knew she didn’t mean those words, but hearing her say them, hearing that man’s sick thoughts through her voice. All he needed was to see her again, to see her happy. All he could think about was that morning they had made waffles, and ate in bed, the way she had smiled, so carefree, so happy. He needed that not to be the last time he saw that smile.

“We all know that she liked the struggle, I mean what girl doesn’t? Those who say they don’t are just lying to themselves. You want to show me how strong you are, overpower me, pin my arms behind my back.”

Then there was silence, something had happened, he looked frantically at the others, but nothing. Then there was what sounded like a quick flurry of movements. Oh god, he had taken the bait he was on top of her, and he was going to… Then he heard a definitive crack through the phone.


	3. Chapter 3

He slumped, I just stared at him, he had just gone limp. I barely recognized the screams coming from the phone. I felt like someone else grabbed the phone and said:

“I’m fine everything’s fine. It turns out Vodka bottles are good weapons.”

“Dios mio cariño.” He sounded relieved, good he didn’t hate me. It took hours for SVU to find me. When they found me, Sonny was first through the door.

“Hey Carisi.” I forced myself to smile, I couldn’t get through this otherwise. 

“Hey Caroline, fancy seeing you here.” Thank God, he understood. 

“Yeah I know I didn’t know nuclear bunker was my color, but I guess it is.” He holstered his gun, and opened his first aid kit. Protocol dictated, if officers know that the perpetrator subdued by another officer. That they only send one detective in at a time.

“I know your going to say no, but shock blanket?”

“You heard, he didn’t harm me.”

“That doesn’t mean you can’t be in shock, according to…”

“I thought you had just passed the bar, not the boards?” This was what I needed, this sort of ribbing. I didn’t want to be a victim. I am not a victim.

“Fine, I was watching Grey’s Anatomy last night.”

“Ahh I see Amanda lost the tv remote bet.” The two of them were the big office secret that everyone knew. I guess I was going to be the next one. I saw Liv walk through the door

“Hey Liv, how’s Noah’s cold? I have always heard a good warm bath relieves the symptoms. Especially with toddlers.” She sadly didn’t pick up on what I wanted, or she ignored it. 

“Caroline you were just…”

“So what, are my home remedies any less valid?”

“No, but you…”

“This was a hostage situation, nothing less. We train for these. I was ready.” Liv, looked bewildered. I took this rare opportunity.

“Hey is there anyway I can get my gun and badge back now?” I needed them back, I felt naked without them. Had I brought them with me on my walk last night, maybe…

“You know I can’t authorize that. Not only are they evidence, but you need to be…”

“Cleared for active duty by a shrink. Fine will do in the morning, actually wait what time is it?”

“About 9 am.” 

“Oh shit, my shift starts in ten.”

“ I think you have a pretty good excuse not to be in today.” I opened my mouth to retort, but their was a scuffle outside, and Rafael emerged from behind the barricade, ruffled but still happy to see me.

“Cariño, sorry they wouldn’t let me in without a badge….” He looked so scared, like he still cared, even after all that.

“I’m fine.” I hugged him, I felt better, some of my adrenaline edited. It didn’t matter where we were but I always felt safe in his arms. I pulled away and kissed his cheek, smiling. He shrugged off his jacket, and put it around my bare shoulders. I wanted to protest but the soft material felt good, felt like normal. I somehow knew that even if I had repercussions from tonight, he would be there. Sadly, our private moment was broken by Tucker.

“Detective Walker, are you ok?”

“Tucker good friend, I am fine. You are here for my IAB statement aren’t you?” Tucker and I had an interesting relationship. He had trained me at the academy, and been a good friend and mentor throughout my whole career.

“Cant it be because I cared?”

“No, because if you cared, you would have called. Since you didn’t want to leave Noah at home alone, but this was mandated from 1PP.” He looked caught. I didn’t blame him, he wanted to be a good father to Noah, he wanted to make up for all the time he had lost. Yet before I could answer, Rafael jumped in.

“Is it possible not to do this here. I mean this is a crime scene, and I think Caro needs some time.”

“No problem, this can wait you need to recover.”

“I am fine. I need a shower and a change of clothes. Both are at the precinct.

“Caro we can’t just, we need to go to the hospital they need to do…” Liv tried. 

“A rape kit? He didn’t rape me, Liv, and we do exams, to find perps.” I pointed to body, that not hours ago was tormenting me, I knew he would be with me forever. “Here look, I found him.”

“Fine we can’t force you, but…”

“Liv…” Barba interrupted, but I cut him off.

As I said, I am fine, Rafael.” I linked my arm with his. “Let’s go.” When we got outside, he pulled me aside.

“What the hell Caro?” This was it, he didn’t want us anymore.

“What?”   
“You were just brutally assaulted.”

“You make this seem like this is my fault.”

“It isn’t, but you can’t walk away without…”

“Without what? Should I act like a victim?”

“You are a victim?”

“No, the girl last week who had to have a metal plate inserted her head, because the asshole beat half her brain out, is a victim. I am fine.”

“You can’t…” I needed him to stop, so I kissed him. Slowly, and I could feel feeling returning to my fingers. I hadn’t noticed that it was gone, but it was good to get it back.

“I am ok, alright Rafael.” I looked deeply into his eyes, he didnt argue, but his eyes betrayed his doubt.

“You look sharp.” Amanda said, looking up from her paperwork. 

“Why thank you Amanda. it is from the latests NYPD collection, called “shit we need to give women, semi comfortable clothing to wear.” I pulled Rafael’s coat back over my NYPD tank top. The second we had arrived Rafael had gotten my favorite meal from the little german place around the corner, and luckily he was not hovering anymore. 

“Detective Walker?” A young beat cop asked, looking scared. 

“That’s me, how can I help you?”

“You have been served.”


	4. Chapter 4

I was in shock I couldn’t move, this wasn’t supposed to be like this. I was so in shock that I didn’t realize that Rafael has surged forward.  
“Who do you think you are, coming in here… How dare you.

She has been through hell and you come in here serving her. Do you have any respect for your fellow officer.” He must have realized that the kid wasn’t a real beat cop because he launched into another tirade. “I am going to sue into tomorrow, first off all for mental distress, then from the looks of it impersonating an officer, and trust me I’ll find every unpaid parking ticket, and you’ll be….” I cut him off seeing that the poor kid was almost in tears. 

“Rafael, leave the poor kid alone. He is just following orders. They sent an intern to serve me. It’s fine just give me the subpoena. You have did your job well.” The boy slimmed away, and Rafael turned to me all the anger gone from his face.   
“He wasn't…”  
“Yes he was, would you read the letter. He started to skim the letter and his eyes widening with every line. This was going to be bad. He sat down defeated.  
“They are suing you.”  
“Who is?” I had paid all my parking tickets.  
“The wife.”  
“Of whom?”  
“The… him, his wife is suing you.”   
“For what?” I had I couldn’t process this my brain was just shutting down.  
“For killing her husband.”  
“Wait Eleanor is suing me? I held her hand I…” I remembered all the all nighters of her crying on the couch that sat not 300 feet from here.   
“Yeah but now her husband is dying and she wants revenge. She wants you to pay for the medical costs, and…”  
“I… ok.”  
“What?”  
“I’ll pay it.” I felt a strange sort of relief, like justice being served.  
“No you won’t.” Unlike the peace this had brought me, he was all puffed up. I simply couldn’t understand why.  
“Yes. I hit him the head with the bottle.” He looked pleading at me. He knelt before me and took my face in his hands.  
“Look at me, Caro. None of this is your fault, and anything that happened or will happen is not your fault. I will spend every waking moment convincing you of that. He was going to he was hurting you… it’s self defense.”  
“Not like this. He was drunk and hyped up he was in no state… you know that they can make a case for excessive force. They will. If he dies I… killed him.” It was all hitting me, I had spend the last couple of hours on adrenaline but now everything was crashing, and all I could hear was the crack his skull has made when I had hit him.  
“I won’t let them do this to you.”   
“You know what… If they are really smart they’ll sue the whole department that way they can get more…” He cut me off with a kiss. It felt nice and wonderful way to stave off the darkness.   
“I won’t let them.” He really was a good guy, how could I have been so dumb not to even mention DC… I mean I knew why but…  
“Stop! Stop trying to be nice about this.” I pushed my chair away from him and he fell away.   
“Caro.” He recovered quickly, standing and following me. I stood up too I needed to get away from here. I couldn’t have Liv deal with this. She should have her peace.   
“No stop this is wrong. I did it, I lured him and then I hit him.” I was halfway out of the door when he caught my arm, and pulled me against him. He cradled my head. I wanted to scream, I wanted to fight, but right there I couldn’t.  
“Look at me. He took you down into that bunker and he…”   
“And what hmn… he told me stories. He didn’t hurt me he shoved a gun in my face and made me drink vodka.” I saw Rafael wince, I kept forgetting that he had heard everything. Which made this even worse. “I can see the argument forming in that defense attorneys mind. Its funny you haven’t asked yet…”   
“Asked what?”  
“Come on you haven’t asked about the job in DC. I know you want to…”   
“Where you going to go?” I saw real emotions in his eyes. The same emotion that had scared me into taking the job interview.  
“Probably why?” I couldn’t have him infected with my issues, this wasn’t his fault.  
“You’re just saying that. We are going to be…”  
“What fine? I hit the guy Rafael, he might die but yes everything is hunky dory.”  
“Caro listen to me you are going to be fine. I do think you should go to the   
Shrink…”   
“No, all I need is a good nights rest, and you should go to bed too. There are real victims to be defended.”


	5. Chapter 5

I knew it was possible when I subpoena came. I knew, that he could live, but I never believed it. Belief is funny that way it can make you so certain of a fact that for a little while you can convince yourself that it is true. In the end you know it isn’t but in your own perfect world it is if not just for a little bit. On this couch in his old sweater, that smelled so much like him, and this wonderful alternate reality, one where everything was ok. I knew it couldn’t be true it shouldn’t be true. He did live, he made it through the surgery and he was strong, no complication. Within days, he was ready for a trial. My worst nightmare was coming true.

“Cariño can I talk to you, I brought you a cup of coffee.”

“You never ask that, and in all the time that we have known each other how many times have you brought me coffee?”

“Never.”

“Exactly.

“Look I just got off the phone with O’Dwyer.” This wasn’t happening he wasn’t going to do this. He couldn’t, but at least it explained the coffee.

“He wants you to take the case.”

“Yes, look I tried to turn it down.”

“You tried?” I couldn’t believe this, even in my dizziest daydreams I had never thought that he would…  

“It wouldn’t look good.” His shoulders sank; he had given up all pretense of trying to pain this with a positive brush.  

“What do you mean?”

“If I didn’t do this because we are…”

“What are we? I was going to leave you for another job wasn’t I? So this is your perfect out just take it.” I knew this was cruel, but I couldn’t help myself. He was a good man, I knew he hadn’t wanted this, but at this moment I didn’t care.

“I can’t just but I have to…” I wasn’t going to sit here and listen to this.  

“I’ll go.” I pulled off his sweater and just left it on the floor. I no longer had use for it.  

“I’ll call Calhoun.”

“No you won’t. You want professionalism fine here we go.”

“He didn’t.” I had never seen Sonny Carisi this stunned, I let out a mirthless laugh, and this was too tragic to be true.  

“He did, and on a certain level I get it. After what happen with the cops, he needs to not look like anything is going on. Plus we cannot ignore the professional benefits for him.” His expression turned from stunned to outrage.

“On the back of your demise.”

“It won’t be my demise.” I put my hand on his. “ I will be fine.”

“You could go to jail; they could play this as police bru…”

“They wont that argument is too easy to dismantle. Plus aren’t I the hero cop, who defended herself. They won’t want to get into that feeding frenzy.  “Look I have to meet with my lawyers in an hour.” I started to get up, but he held me off.

“Lets talk to Liv, she will know what….”

“You will do nothing of the sort. Listen to me Sonny do not even tell Liv about this. I can do this on my own; this isn’t worth all of SVU getting knocked around on conduct violations. Plus they are going to suspend me with pay anyway.

“Caroline I cant in good…” This time Liv cut him off, walking in from what I presumed was lunch with Tucker.  

“I just heard. I am about to go have a word with him there is no way he will…”

“Liv please don’t it is not his fault. This is his job, we wouldn’t stop either. I don’t want IAB or 1PP to have any ammunition against this squad, do not let the good graces we have built up go to waste on me. Those are for victims.”

“You are a….”

“No I am not. Can we don’t do this again; there are real victims I am not one of them. Now if I may I have to go meet my lawyers.” I was not going stand for this. Yet I did take Barba’s advice I called Rita Calhoun, funnily enough she had the entire afternoon free for me.

“So Caroline, I have read…”

“He called you?”

“Who?” Typical, and she knew playing the pronoun game with me wasn’t going to get her anywhere.

“Oh don’t play dumb with me.”

“He feels bad.” She shrugged; she had always had a soft spot for Barba. She saw what a lot of people saw a dedicated public servant, in my case too dedicated.  

“I am going to kill him.”

“Since when are you Miss Ethics?” She had been party some of my less legal tricks.

“Since when is he not? I know you’re the best, but I also know how juicy my story is. Cop kidnapped and wrongfully accused attacker goes to jail. I have worked way to long in law enforcement to not know what lawyer misconduct looks like, and that includes collusion.”

She didn’t answer she didn’t have to. I knew she would do nothing to jeopardize the case.

“Ok let’s go through a few points. First is there anything on your record I need to know about, any sort of disturbances?”

“Not really. I have brushed lightly against 1PP every now and again, but never with lasting impact.” I smiled at her, brushing lightly was what the phrasing that 1PP had used to explain away the hearings that they wanted to subject us to, after we had saved 15 girls from human traffickers, and  _somehow_  the press had gotten wind of it. “If you know the case you know about Ground Zero. Which you will not make into a story. I do not want to force anyone to relive that publically. As for my family they are old they are white and they are rich. Nothing much to tell, yes I know you have the tape but it really was nothing. I was an only child I played by myself a lot and we both know that the second you subpoena them they will come running with their own lawyers so lets not do that. I think though what you were really asking is about my relationship with Barba.”

“Yes it surprised…”

“It surprised everyone.” I shuddered somehow the details had leaked, and the headlines had been something out of really bad romance novel.

“We know from the notes your attacker made about every little detail about your relationship. So we have a couple of questions.” Those damn notes the hours spent going through every detail not only trapped in that bunker but then with Liv. This guy had known everything, and now we would do it all again. It was actually in a morbid way a nice requiem on our relationship.  My only saving grace was that the press hadn’t gotten hold of the notes yes, and if Calhoun was worth her salt, she would get the trail closed off to the public. God I hoped so.

“Sure.”

“When did you meet?”

“When I first started working at SVU about a year ago,”

“Good precise answers.”

“It is as if I have done this before.” I rolled my eyes; I had been in her crosshairs before, but at least this time she was on my side. Somehow I could sense that she really wanted to win this case. It wasn’t because she hated Barba, but I think she was pissed off that this was even coming to trial.  

“Don’t take that tone with the jury.” I rolled my eyes again, but she went on. “What happened in the intervening months between the begin of your relationship and well the beginning of your relationship?”

“Touching, flirty, and a lot of obviously not meaningless sex.”

“And then your relationship began.” I didn’t answer I knew she was testing me to see if I could spot a leading question. I could, she smiled and I answered her question.  

“Your notes should give you the dates, but yes.“

“How did that enfold?”

“In what way?” She smiled again, I knew how to evade a question, and cast doubt upon the asker.

“Who started it?”

“Relationships are about two people.” She smiled again she knew I was good. I had learned from the best.

“No but who made the first move?”

“Me. He pissed me off I yelled he yelled and I kissed him.” I couldn’t help but smile at the memory, he had been so shocked I think it was the only time he had ever been speechless.

“Where?”  

“His office.”

“And after that.”

“Awkwardness then more kissing then sex. Very unoriginal.”

“Good. When did it turn into a legitimate relationship?”

“Six months ago, after a case that went horribly wrong. The wrong person was hurt. It doesn’t matter it was a bad night. We drank he got emotional we talked and then we decided to get into a real relationship.”

“Ok you need to be ready to answer all of these questions, and a lot harder ones.” I smiled, I knew she had bitten down, and wasn’t going to let go.  

It is interesting how quickly trials can move, when the right people are pulling the strings. Calhoun had gotten the trail to be closed to reporters though I was sure the trial transcript for each day would in some form be on the next days front page. The beginning of the trial went rather quickly, jurors were picked, opening statements made, and witnesses called. SVU was first; they stonily answered Barba’s questions. I knew from Carisi that Liv had given him hell, and that the rest of the squad was being uncooperative as hell. I loved them for that, though I told Carisi to do nothing to put his or anyone else’s job in danger. That was the last thing I needed, all of us looking for mall cop jobs together in Jersey. Two weeks later I was standing in front of the courtroom doors. They had never seemed so big before, or maybe I just felt small.

“Caro.” Oh no I couldn’t do this now; he hadn’t even looked at me till now. I guess that was one way to assuage the guilt.  

“Don’t, we can’t talk.”

“There is no…”

“Rephrase I don’t want to talk to you.” This was more or less true, I didn’t want to talk to Barba the lawyer, I wanted to curl up in bed and cry into the arms of my boyfriend Rafael.  

“I couldn’t have…”

“Oh don’t lie to me. You could have but I don’t blame you. Do us both a favor and don’t go easy on me. I won’t ever forgive you if you go easy on me in there. I have seen you at your best; I better not see anything but that.”

“I just wish.”

“Wish what? That this all would go away. You made sure that it wouldn’t.” With that I left. I knew I had gone to far, but he had started it. It was a childish way of looking at this, but this wasn’t the time for adult… I stepped into the courtroom and I instinctively looked to the People’s side. I saw all my friends, my family. But then I realized, today that wasn’t my side. I looked left, and all my rows were empty. I knew no one would come. I knew I was completely alone. I couldn’t take it; I turned on my heel and walked out. I needed find a bathroom; I couldn’t hold it in anymore. The second I reached the marbled bathroom, I emptied the content of my stomach into the sink I couldn’t do this. I was so alone. I heard the door behind me open, half expecting it to be Rafael. It was Liv, I wanted to wave her off, but I had to heave again. She said nothing she just rubbed my back.

I had seen her run into the bathroom, I had started to run behind her, but Liv waved me off. She was right, they both were, but I couldn’t have said no. They would have thrown her to the wolves. 1PP had made it clear that if I didn’t take the case, she would have been fired no pension no benefits, she would have been all alone to deal with the personal and public fallout, and I wouldn’t have been able to help her. I couldn’t have that happen, she had overcome so much to have this ruin her, whatever it may cost.


	6. Chapter 6

I had done my prep the night before. The strategy was simple; it was the basis for most of these cases. Discredit discredit discredit. She was first on the stand today; Calhoun had put her early so she could reinforce the picture of the perfect detective again and again.

It was a good strategy, but the pictures of the head wound and the surgery had also had a lasting impression on the jury.  I saw her walking out of the bathroom, a bit unsure but the fire in her eyes was enough to show everyone that she was ready for this.

“State your name for the record.”

“Caroline Emily Walker.”

“You swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God.” She looked so scared, but I knew there was no turning back.  

“I do.” She sat down straight as an arrow. It had been one of the first things that I had teased her about. While after hours and hours of mindless most of them had slumped over in their chairs or in Carisi’s case had fallen asleep on their desk, she had still sat with her back straight as a board. He had teased her until she told him tonelessly that her parents from a very young age had forced her to wear a brace, and it would hurt to do anything else. Calhoun waves her examination smart move just wait to attack.  

“Good morning Ms. Walker.”

“And to you Mr. Barba.” There was no emotion in her voice; she had always said his name with an emotion.  

“Lets go back to the night of May 10th. Walk us through your day.”

“I had my shift from 7am – 1pm, then as I was leaving at around 1:30.”

“Why so late?”

“Because Detective Carisi had decided to spend that morning pouring coffee on himself, and I magnanimous as I am helped out.”

“And then?”

“As I was leaving we got the message that the… Mr. Avery was on the hunt for another victim, most likely his last because he knew SVU was closing in.”

“Who made the decision to put you in the field?”

“It was a team decision, but in the end it was Captain Olivia Benson, and well yours.” He knew he had to be careful, she had found an opening, and it was the perfect way to distract the jury. Calhoun had told them about their relationship but only briefly, she wanted the jury be able to follow along the story rather than have her shove it down their throats.  

“What was the rational behind putting you in the field?”

“I was the only one Mr. Avery hadn’t met.”

“So you were the last resort?” He saw a moment of hate flash in her eyes but they retuned to business the next second.

“No, I am just as well trained as everyone else on this squad, you reviewed my credentials yourself when I joined SVU.”

“Why had you been kept out of the field?”

“I spent my time with his wife.”

“The same wife that has testified to your cold demeanor, and tunnel vision when it comes to your cases?”

“I spent my time holding her hand in our conference room, making sure she didn’t do anything rash.”

So who on May 10th gave the final go-ahead?”

“You did.” Oh he was in hot water now, but he couldn’t stop.

“You said Captain…”

“Time wise you did. You heard the bailiff the whole truth. Captain Benson was already in agreement, I simply came to your office to get your permission, which I obtained. Through some personal touches, since you were so afraid that your professional reputation would shatter if it looked like you were picking favorites, you agreed to the operation.” She was good planting Calhoun’s seeds for her

“So when the OP started where were you?”

“In the basement of the old YMCA on 73rd and Madison.”

“Where you following all of protocol?” He saw a flash of hurt, he knew the answer to this, and now he was out to make her look incompetent.

“We skipped the earpiece and camera.”

“Why?”

“Because we were in agreement that there was no way he wouldn’t recognize me as a cop.”

“Which in the end didn’t help.” He had phrased it like a statement but he knew she would bite. “Without the earpiece or camera there was no way for anyone to hear or see anything that you did?”

“No.”

“So there was a gap in communication?”

“No.”

“But you.”

“Not official communication, he called you. He didn’t want his Magnum Opus to never be seen.”

“And then?”

“And then he decided the best way to torture me was to expose everything he had gathered on me in the six months he had been watching me.”

“Why was he watching you?”

“Because I am his type.”

“Ok so he became fixated with you?”

“Sure.”

“Did you know this before you went in?”

“No.”

“But you said you knew he had a type so…”

“What I meant was that we, you included, didn’t know he had already started stalking me.”

“But by going in yourself and not sending another detective…”  

“And what let Amanda get hurt or Liv? You know what men like him like? Power, in the end it didn’t matter if I was blond or tall or anything else. He wanted power, it didn’t matter how he got it. “

“And you provided him that power.”

“No he…”

“Now don’t lie Ms. …”

“Detective.” I knew I was pushing it but I needed this done, I needed her protected.

“Detective Walker, don’t lie, the victim’s.” A sort of mirthless laugh erupted from her.  

“Something funny.” Had she lost it, Calhoun’s face was just as shocked as his.

“It is hilarious that you describe him as a victim. Don’t you see what’s going on here? You are just as dumb as that girl who defended William Lewis, but your doing it on the taxpayers dime.”

“Detective Walker!”

“I am sorry your honor, but I think that if someone attacks my reputation I have the right to mount a defense.”

“That’s why you have Mrs. Calhoun.”

“Granted.”

“The tapes yes you said,” I pressed the record button and her voice came out of it, so scared and in so much pain. “I have never seen something like you. You are a true specimen. The perfect man, those girls were lucky to have you.”

“Where is your question?” He smirked inside she knew that the longer that her voice had hung in the air the more time it had to sink in with the jury. She had learned it from him, most of what she was doing on the stand was something he had taught her, in those quiet nights when all she was wearing was his shirt…  He had to snap out of this, this wasn’t the moment.

“You went on “They needed you in their lives. You needed to teach them a lesson. Even Katie, you know she should be thankful that she is pregnant.””

“I did what I had to survive.”

“So your telling me that you didn’t mean what you said. It was all head games?”

“Yes to survive.”

“But you hadn’t care enough about survival when you decided not to wear the proper gear.”

“Again there was no way….”

“But…” She wasn’t about to let me finish. I could see the terror in her eyes, see her side eying the jury, she thought that she was loosing.  

“With the information we had, we didn’t think it was possible to catch him without…”

“The proper gear.”

“Yes, but there was no violence till Mr. Avery was hit over the head with a bottle.” That did it; the fire that I had seen in her eyes when she had walked into the courtroom was gone. Snuffed out.  

“No.”

“He did not physically assault you in anyway?”

“No.” With every answer she became less and less lifelike.  

“Nor did force you to do anything?” I knew that question was trap.  

“He forced a bottle full of vodka down my throat.”

“So alcohol, so no crime was…”

“Objection, kidnapping is a crime.”

“Withdrawn.”

“I wanted to get that animal of the street, something that just a couple of short weeks ago you agreed to.”

“So no physical harm was committed till you hit Mr. Avery over the head with the bottle. He simply talked to you,” She nodded. “And what did he say?”

“He told me everything I already knew, every little secret he had found out in the last six months he told me how he knew and what he knew. He told me things that only someone who had spent every waking with me.

The only person that knows more about me than him is you. He knew about my past, he knew everything you and I were doing, things that were private.” Her own words were what broke her, I knew I had driven her there, but she broke by her own words. Tears started to well up in her eyes, but she waved off Calhoun. She took a deep breath, and her voice steadied.

“He knew everything that we take for granted everyday. He knew how I liked by coffee, the fact that I have the percentage battery enabled on my phone, and the last conversation with my mother. This man wormed himself into my life.

He knew how I liked my chair settings, that I am a horrible cook, that Liv Amanda and I have lunch just the three of us once a week, that I keep an extra set of clothes for everyone on the squad in my desk. He knew that my instructor at the academy recommended me to SVU even though I first went to Narcotics.

He knew that while I was at narcotics the only friend I had was a guy who moved to California a few weeks ago, and who’s place I took at SVU. He knew what side of the bed I like to sleep on. What brand my toothbrush was. He knew about the first time you took me home…” She broke off.  

“Your honor?”

“Yes Mrs. Calhoun.”

“Your honor I move that Mr. Barba recuse himself from the case.”

“I am inclined to agree Mrs. Calhoun. Who’s ever idea it was to even to allow Mr. Barba to be the prosecuting attorney on this case, should be ashamed of themselves.”

“If I am dismissed, I move to let my successor cross examine Detective Walker.”

“This may have been a dumb idea Mr. Barba but you aren’t incompetent, though I am starting to get the sense that you wish you were. It is too late anyway. The prosecution will have the weekend to find new council, as for now. Court is adjourned.


	7. Chapter 7

When he looks around, she is already gone. Liv shoots him a sympathetic look. He finally finds her in Shaw’s Bar; there she sat drinking her Johnny Walker. I… we were finally free but before I could reach her Carisi stepped in front of me. **  
**

“Carisi move aside.”

“Not in your wildest dreams. After what you did to her today? She deserves a break before she has to go back on Monday.”

“And you’re going to give it to her?” He knew there was unfounded jealousy in his voice, Sonny was her partner, they had always been close.

“Why not, unlike you she doesn’t hate me.” He turned to walk to her, and she jumped up hugging him with a tired smile. She hugged Carisi the way she usually hugged him. Tight and with her face buried in the crook of his neck. Carisi shot him another dirty look, and then supported a tired and half drunk Caroline out of the bar. How could have he even a month ago thought that he was going to marry her? How had it all gone so wrong? He couldn’t let it end like this.

“Caro… Caroline.” I heard Rafael call behind me, and I knew engaging was the wrong move but I was drunk and angry.  

“What now, haven’t you done enough damage?”

“I look I am sorry there was no way I could have said no.” He looked truly sorry, but I wasn’t having it, he had questioned my integrity on that stand and I just couldn’t handle it.  

“I think the words no, and to think that they taught you something at Harvard.”

“Look 1PP wasn’t going to…”

“What fund your mayoral election campaign, well I am so sorry.”

“No listen to me.” He touched my shoulders, I flinched, “they were going to dismantle the department everyone would have been out of a job.”

“Ok sure they were.”

“For budget cuts this would have been their excuses.”

“And so they got my boyfriend to be the hatchet man, nice. I can see the headlines now, rising star helps cut down spending.”

“I turned down everything ok. I am resigning tomorrow anyway.”

“What?”

“I don’t want this to happen.”

“It’s already has happened. You will do nothing of the sort you will keep your job.”

“Come here I have you. Nothing will happen.”

“Thank you

“For what.”

“Not pulling your punches.”  

“And on Monday she will call me to the witness stand and it will all get even worse.”

The last twenty four hours had been full of crying and flares of anger. I had finally gotten something to eat. So when I opened the door I fully expected it to be the chinese food, but it was Rafael.

“You are off the hook.” He looked like he could burst with happiness.

“Why?” I wasn’t ready to go another round with him.

“Because the judge declared it a mistrial.”

“Excuse me?” He looked really guilty, this wasn’t good. “What did you do?”

“I…”

“Dont lie to me, what the hell did you do?”

“We found new evidence and had to turn it over to the prosecution, and the judge called a mistrial.” This was insane, he had to have been planning this.

“When?”

“Right after you left.” Rita had gone behind my back, she knew I would have never agreed.

“What evidence?”

“Juror number 9.”

“The school teacher with the five cats.”

“She came and talked to me.” Oh of course, this was classic.

“And you let her?!”

“She made an appointment.” The guilty look became more pronounced, he knew what he had done was not really ethical.  

“That is a flimsy excuse for a mistrial and you know…”

“Listen, the nightmare is over we don’t have to go through this anymore. You don’t have to take the stand that monster doesn’t get to attack you again.”

“That’s what this is about. Sparing me the embarrassment? You just wanted this to be over.” I felt the anger rising, I had been too tired to fight a moment ago but now I was all riled up.  

“And you don’t,” and he had the gaul to be offended?

“I did, but not like this what happened to: on my honor, I will never betray my badge, my integrity, my character, or the public trust. I will always have the courage to hold myself

and others accountable for our actions.”

“How is any of this your fault?”

“I beat the guy!” I saw a flash of anger, but it quieted before he spoke, his voice even.  

“Because he was going to kill you.” He took hold of my shoulders again and this time I didn’t flinch.  

“I was never in any physical danger.” He had looked so lifeless in that corner, my nightmares alternated from his crazed face, to his lifeless body.

“He shoved a gun down your throat. He was planning…”

“You don’t know what he had planned.”

“We do.”

“What?” I didn’t know they had kept investigating after the trial had started.  

“He had plans, we found them, he had horrific plans. You… I am happy you got him ok? I am not sorry about anything that happened to him, and I won’t shed a tear if he dies.” He looked so determined, like he needed me to understand this. His green eyes full of that look he got when he was in closing arguments, and he needed the jury to believe him.

“Rafael I… I am not sure, this is close to a miscarriage of justice. I have half a mind to walk down to Judge Silas chambers….”

“And what get her to overturn the mistrial?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because I deserve…” He cut me off by kissing my cheek, I hadn’t realized I had been crying again.

“You deserve none of this ok? I am not sure where this self pity comes from.”

“Self pity are you kidding me?” I pushed him away again. Everytime he came close be back in my good graces, he went and says something like this.

“Beat the guy yeah, and he is in a coma, but you are here do you understand me? You are here you are alive, and I love you.” He kissed me again.

“You think that will make all of this ok? The fact that you love me? What are you five? Love isn’t enough ok?” I felt a new wave of tears, of course I loved him too, but it didn’t fix what had happened.  

“Why not?” He was almost pleading now, but I couldn’t, not now.

“Because … because I am not the same person I was before I went into that bunker ok? I am irrevocably changed. I am no longer your carñio.” I saw his face light up in a way that they hadn’t since the attack, and he started out right laughing. “Why the hell are you laughing, this isnt funny.”

“Isn’t it though?” He didn’t even have the decency to stop or at least look guilty.  

“How is this funny?”

“Because you think that because you went through something traumatic, that I won’t love you. You will always be my cariño, mi regina, dulzura.” He smiled down at me, and my heart felt lighter than it had in weeks.

“But…” He reached down and started kissing my face with every passing sentence.

“I love you for you. I love the way you laugh, the way you bite back when something doesn’t agree with you. The way you keep trying to cook even though I am pretty sure the fire marshall has you on some kind of watchlist. I love the fact that…” I had to cut him off, the more he talked the more I just wanted to be back in his arms, and ignore the rest of our problems.  

“What about the job offer?” I said quietly.  

“What about it?” He straightened up.

“I didn’t tell you.” I looked up at him, it had taken me very long to learn how to read him, but his eyes had always betrayed him. He smiled again, giving my forehead a kiss.  

“I know you wanted to make a decision before talking to me, which is admirable enough, but you and I are a team. I know you and I have been alone for a long time but if you’ll have me…?”

“What if I take the job in DC?”

“Then I’ll go with you.”

“What?” He loved this city, this was his home, everyone he cared about was here.    
“DC isn’t that far from New York, and I’ll take the DC bar.”

“But your career…”

“O’Dwyer already said he would write me a recommendation and they need more ADA’s down there. Lots of congressmen getting DUIs.” His famous smirk was back, things started to feel normal again, in a way they hadn’t in a long time.

“You and me?” I smiled, that is what he had told me after our first date. That it was the two of us, that we were a unit.  

“Against the world.” He dipped his head down, and kissed me. I finally felt whole again.


End file.
